forget your head and listen

this is prolly going to be my longest post here on blogger. nothing concealed in between just a few lines or a paragraph. nothing that will let you decipher and think more about what it is i want said. i'll say it in as little words i could mash up, but i don't think it's going to be short.

for the past few weeks, i've always been asking for guidance. for something that could shed light on why i cannot go back there right away or why we cannot be together right now. if anything, i have been in my worst disposition yet. hence, this blog - an outpour of emotion that i never thought i could muster up. some were poetic, i myself was surprised, reading them again. and some other are plain and simple - with some sort of wrath underneath.

i didn't have a debriefing. you didn't give me one. i gave you a set of letters that would last you two weeks after my departure. no it wasn't enough for me that we talked about our separation everyday. i had to make you 15 letters from the first of september till it lasted you. to tell you how we're going to go about it. in the letters, i told you everything you have to know and understand about why God chose for us to be apart now. writing those, i thought i'd believe them myself. now, a month into it, i still can't understand. or maybe i do, but it hurts so much that i don't want to accept anything. i need a debriefing. we can't just cutoff all the strings.

it wasn't until today that i got something. that the light actually poured out of the open space and shed it on me. on a quiet minute i shared with myself today, i stared out in an empty SJ walk at 7:30 in the evening, waiting for my last class to start. my lone time, maximized - my only lone time in a week. tried hard as i might to concentrate on what i was reading, i wasn't in the mood for it. nothing was sinking in. even if i've read the same line five times over. i looked around and glanced at the time. my Laker baller band said heart.

If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you.