and that's a fact

i guess i will always love you.

can you say cheesy?

i guess you can.

Closed Locked and Flooded

do you have the key?

coz as of right now, no one else gets in.

no picture today

i take pills that would give me a restful night.

or at least to force me to sleep on it.

i don't know if it's working.

but god i wish i didn't have to force myself to sleep just to try to forget you.

Because you know the worst thing about me and its ok

"Because she knows the worst thing about me and it's okay. 

You're free to love each other completely, totally. 

Just no fear.

So there's nothing you don't know about each other, and it's okay."

-Meet Joe Black

forget your head and listen

this is prolly going to be my longest post here on blogger. nothing concealed in between just a few lines or a paragraph. nothing that will let you decipher and think more about what it is i want said. i'll say it in as little words i could mash up, but i don't think it's going to be short.

for the past few weeks, i've always been asking for guidance. for something that could shed light on why i cannot go back there right away or why we cannot be together right now. if anything, i have been in my worst disposition yet. hence, this blog - an outpour of emotion that i never thought i could muster up. some were poetic, i myself was surprised, reading them again. and some other are plain and simple - with some sort of wrath underneath.

i didn't have a debriefing. you didn't give me one. i gave you a set of letters that would last you two weeks after my departure. no it wasn't enough for me that we talked about our separation everyday. i had to make you 15 letters from the first of september till it lasted you. to tell you how we're going to go about it. in the letters, i told you everything you have to know and understand about why God chose for us to be apart now. writing those, i thought i'd believe them myself. now, a month into it, i still can't understand. or maybe i do, but it hurts so much that i don't want to accept anything. i need a debriefing. we can't just cutoff all the strings.

it wasn't until today that i got something. that the light actually poured out of the open space and shed it on me. on a quiet minute i shared with myself today, i stared out in an empty SJ walk at 7:30 in the evening, waiting for my last class to start. my lone time, maximized - my only lone time in a week. tried hard as i might to concentrate on what i was reading, i wasn't in the mood for it. nothing was sinking in. even if i've read the same line five times over. i looked around and glanced at the time. my Laker baller band said heart.

If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you.

snowday today

are you just going to wait? of course i am.

 as far as i can go, i'll go there.

it's how far we go. we fight and move forward.

love is not everything.

but it's definitely something.

as far as i can go, i'll go there.

last few strokes before the wave builds

"I couldn’t sleep last night coz I know it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees. Learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul. That makes us reach for more. That plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hope to give to you forever."

-The Notebook

the waiting should be way over

do i have to wait in line for you?

Meet Joe Black

Love is Passion, Obsession.

Someone you can't live without.

i love the streets of LA being empty

truth is, you still have me at your fingertips. you always will. 

whatever you do, you cant just push me away.

and i cant just forget you.

and you will never know that it is the way it is.

let the rain fall, i don't care.

i've given up on giving in.

the storm is coming, stronger than this.

i'll write it down. maybe it's going to be easier to accept tomorrow.

you don't care anymore.

good morning, that's to you.

when is the last sad song going to play?

coz even in my sleep, it does.

i hope it fades out tonight.

i need you now more than ever.

more than you'll ever know.

you chained my whole life

i want to be in that place between dreaming and being awake.

i want to see you. reach for you.

why do you have to be the nice one?

the one who gets me up on my worst mornings

and puts me to bed on my best nights.

i don't think it's fair.

everything's so you to me.

i don't know why but everyday i feel like i'm losing myself.

the more i try to let go of you i lose grip of who i really am.

blurring the pathways

are you going to let me walk alone?

scratch that, i don't want to hear what you're going to say.

M.N.L.

Sunsets are Blank

mute

i cant believe that i still need you to be my everyday.

it would just be wrong if we held on

so tell me

do we just forget?

i dont know what to do anymore

lost in your abyss

"But at the same time we feel afraid. Surrendering completely to love, be it human or divine, means giving up everything, including our own well-being or our ability to make decisions. It means loving in the deepest sense of the word."

- Paulo Coelho

you're both my stranger and my best friend

it's not fair.

we weren't supposed to fall.

cut my heart out for a souvenir

sometimes i wish these things wont fly.

the distance is killing me

maybe tomorrow it wont hurt as much

so if i take a chance

for you, a thousand times over.

immobilized

coz no matter what i do

it's better with you

flying east

"when we fall, we fly"
they didnt tell me that we fall back down to the ground again.

every day we spend apart...

you're everywhere

there's too much of you in me that i think everything around me is about you

it's you.

i could tell who you are from this far.

look up

mistletoes are overrated.

LAX

i hate being alone at the departure area.

strangers.

i've met a lot of people before...
and they always felt like strangers

there are billions of people in the world.
and there's one you.

no one ever said it would be this hard.

do you think it's easier to just walk away?

Traffic

we used to drive around and you would tell me how happy you are.
you used to say you'll never forget.

do you remember that?

lights camera action

let's pretend that we're in a movie set.
and you're the one who needs me.

tops

half of our lives we waste by thinking about what's gonna happen tomorrow.
it's wasted because we forget to live today.
but how can you live today if you dont have a reason for it?
and you worry about tomorrow.
because you want tomorrow to be the day you start living.

or maybe it's just me.
i want to be with him tomorrow.
even today.
even now.

outfield: you and i love the dodgers.

i wont see you today
not even tomorrow.
so i'm not worried about bumping into you and not being ready for it.

i'm worried about seeing you again.
because i'm scared that it might not be the same.

it's not hard. it's painful.

emptiness

every day.
every drop.
every puff.
every breath.
every bottle.

with you.

does it end?

for some reason, the best of us prefer empty spaces.

what next?

and then i begin to wish that everything was just a state of mind.

and then i could wake up one day and find you next to me.

and then i could assure myself right now
that everything's gonna go back to the way things were.

footprints

i miss walking with you.

crash

i have to live in the now.
not that i want to.
i just have a choice to sulk or to be happy.
and i'm taking the latter.

here comes the pacific sundown

you always say that you never listen to anyone
but you listen to me.

but it doesnt stop the pain

i write everytime i feel like crying
and you'll notice that i would write more everyday.

it would be so fine to see your face at my door

if i could only spend this life out my way
i'd rather spend it being close to you

finding him

i dont want to get over you.
i want to keep you.

black and white and colored.

one day, you wake up

and you just know that you want to spend
the rest of your life with someone.

and when that day comes, it scares the shit out of you.

Waiting

this is it. this is the time we havent spent together, taking its toll.
this is the because they cant know.
this is everything.

and this becomes the 3 weeks that we havent seen each other.
and it becomes every night of being wide awake.
and becomes a series of thoughts.
and then we are reduced to you and me, and nothing.

this is it.
this is fear taking over faith.

Where we started from

There are those days when you want to give up and just erase everything.
Go back to square one, as though nothing happened.

That's today for me, and yesterday, and the day before that.

But when I think of how it all started,
and how it could have a future that's so ideal and perfect,
i jump right back up, tell myself it's okay.

And if it doesnt, then at the least i tried.
It's always going to be about the trying - and failing over and over.
But ultimately, at least at one point, i'll stop failing.
And then i know that everything was worth it.