Endless Summer

tragedy is essential to a writer's feed.

2010-08-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

inspired by an article sent to me by beat.

when i was younger i grew up with a group of friends whose constant troublemaking made the teachers in my alma mater go back to the hand book and revise it coz what we just did was never thought of, was never there.

my partner in crime then was Ivan Padilla. in recent news stories and forums, people would speak of hate, while others would speak of how they all look up to him. only a few knew him, but that select few love him very much.

we were together for some of it, most of it when we were younger. we failed a lot. we never followed the rules. we never did anything that was supposed to be done according to the handbook. we never said "ok we'll stop" when they wanted us to.

we never did anything to make the day of our teachers better. we had fun sharing the best childhood of our lives making fun of people, getting into trouble and more. up until my high school years i was the best friend of the discipline coordinator.

today, i live with the memory of ivan in his family and the people who have known him in the 23 years he lived. today, if i'm keeping check, a lot of what i've done includes sending 200 kids to school, some to conferences and others to the same university i'm in. today, i am the College President.

this is to those who failed once, who got into trouble more than that, and who those who are deprived of second chances. because we all deserve it.

Where and who i am today is my middle finger raised to the people who say that troublemakers should never be given a second chance.

Thugz Mansion

2010-08-07T11:36:00.001-07:00

when i was younger, i had a partner in crime.

we were 11 years old and crazy when we met.

we had the chance to make fun of people and bully them coz it was fun for us to intimidate people back then. i guess it still is up til today. back then we'd get into all kinds of trouble but mostly it's because of the rush that we get from things, that's all. the rush of not getting caught or whenever we did get caught, we were the cool people who are above the law.

i couldn't put into words the exact accounts of our childhood but it's that even if we spelled trouble all the time, we had each other's back. we were eleven when we went to the mall on our own from school for the first time ever. we rode a cab from CSA, paid 30 pesos although it was 25 on the meter. in front of Dusit Hotel, by Quad. it's funny recalling that now, coz our fun then was spelled out by Burger King and that slight hint of freedom we had that day. It was awesome.

fifth grade and the crazy group of friends got bigger.
he had to leave CSA after fifth grade, as how most of our group had to leave. i was one of those who stayed, and i guess i found a different road, but not until freshman year in high school. i still represented fifth grade til freshman year. i guess it's hard to get rid of the badboys4life thing.

a few days ago he was shot by the police. they said he was a drug dealer and a carjacking gang leader. but even if that's true, nothing can change the way I've known him then and through the years.

ever since we were little, up til the day of his memorial, his little sister always introduced me as "best friend ni kuya nung bata sila."

sometimes we think it's unfair for these things to happen. well it is. but at some point, we have to understand that it's part of God's plan. A lot of people think it's fair that he died. Some are happy.

What they don't know is that he's a father, a brother, a lover, a friend, a son, a grandson.

And to those people who love him as that and much more, it matters.

my brother's death should stand for something

when he left us on August 2, 2010. It would be the start of something bigger.

Rest in peace, my brother. i love and miss you everyday.

i'll say it just this one time

2010-07-19T07:20:00.001-07:00

you're lucky i'm even here, bitches.

i just had the misfortune of being critiqued by you.

From a letter you've read once before

2010-02-02T08:47:00.000-08:00

it still hurts thinking about it

but at least we have good memories together.

i just want to get rid of the feeling of wanting to be with you.

i love you. from seven thousand miles away.

and that's a fact

2009-12-11T06:11:00.000-08:00

i guess i will always love you.

can you say cheesy?

2009-10-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

i guess you can.

Closed Locked and Flooded

2009-10-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

do you have the key?

coz as of right now, no one else gets in.

no picture today

2009-10-06T09:18:00.001-07:00

i take pills that would give me a restful night.

or at least to force me to sleep on it.

i don't know if it's working.

but god i wish i didn't have to force myself to sleep just to try to forget you.

Because you know the worst thing about me and its ok

2009-10-05T07:51:00.001-07:00

"Because she knows the worst thing about me and it's okay.

You're free to love each other completely, totally.

Just no fear.

So there's nothing you don't know about each other, and it's okay."

-Meet Joe Black

forget your head and listen

2009-10-05T06:52:00.000-07:00

this is prolly going to be my longest post here on blogger. nothing concealed in between just a few lines or a paragraph. nothing that will let you decipher and think more about what it is i want said. i'll say it in as little words i could mash up, but i don't think it's going to be short.

for the past few weeks, i've always been asking for guidance. for something that could shed light on why i cannot go back there right away or why we cannot be together right now. if anything, i have been in my worst disposition yet. hence, this blog - an outpour of emotion that i never thought i could muster up. some were poetic, i myself was surprised, reading them again. and some other are plain and simple - with some sort of wrath underneath.

i didn't have a debriefing. you didn't give me one. i gave you a set of letters that would last you two weeks after my departure. no it wasn't enough for me that we talked about our separation everyday. i had to make you 15 letters from the first of september till it lasted you. to tell you how we're going to go about it. in the letters, i told you everything you have to know and understand about why God chose for us to be apart now. writing those, i thought i'd believe them myself. now, a month into it, i still can't understand. or maybe i do, but it hurts so much that i don't want to accept anything. i need a debriefing. we can't just cutoff all the strings.

it wasn't until today that i got something. that the light actually poured out of the open space and shed it on me. on a quiet minute i shared with myself today, i stared out in an empty SJ walk at 7:30 in the evening, waiting for my last class to start. my lone time, maximized - my only lone time in a week. tried hard as i might to concentrate on what i was reading, i wasn't in the mood for it. nothing was sinking in. even if i've read the same line five times over. i looked around and glanced at the time. my Laker baller band said heart.

If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you.

snowday today

2009-10-02T23:39:00.001-07:00

are you just going to wait? of course i am.

as far as i can go, i'll go there.

it's how far we go. we fight and move forward.

love is not everything.

but it's definitely something.

as far as i can go, i'll go there.

last few strokes before the wave builds

2009-09-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

"I couldn’t sleep last night coz I know it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees. Learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul. That makes us reach for more. That plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hope to give to you forever."

-The Notebook

the waiting should be way over

2009-09-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

do i have to wait in line for you?

Meet Joe Black

2009-09-28T01:27:00.000-07:00

Love is Passion, Obsession.

Someone you can't live without.

i love the streets of LA being empty

2009-09-27T06:21:00.002-07:00

truth is, you still have me at your fingertips. you always will.

whatever you do, you cant just push me away.

and i cant just forget you.

and you will never know that it is the way it is.

let the rain fall, i don't care.

2009-09-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

i've given up on giving in.

the storm is coming, stronger than this.

2009-09-26T02:39:00.000-07:00

i'll write it down. maybe it's going to be easier to accept tomorrow.

you don't care anymore.

good morning, that's to you.

2009-09-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

when is the last sad song going to play?

coz even in my sleep, it does.

i hope it fades out tonight.

i need you now more than ever.

more than you'll ever know.

you chained my whole life

2009-09-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

i want to be in that place between dreaming and being awake.

i want to see you. reach for you.

2009-09-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

why do you have to be the nice one?

the one who gets me up on my worst mornings

and puts me to bed on my best nights.

i don't think it's fair.

everything's so you to me.

2009-09-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

i don't know why but everyday i feel like i'm losing myself.

the more i try to let go of you i lose grip of who i really am.

blurring the pathways

2009-09-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

are you going to let me walk alone?

scratch that, i don't want to hear what you're going to say.

M.N.L.

2009-09-25T07:34:00.000-07:00

Sunsets are Blank

mute

2009-09-25T07:14:00.000-07:00

i cant believe that i still need you to be my everyday.

it would just be wrong if we held on

2009-09-10T02:28:00.000-07:00

so tell me

do we just forget?

i dont know what to do anymore

lost in your abyss

2009-09-10T02:03:00.000-07:00

"But at the same time we feel afraid. Surrendering completely to love, be it human or divine, means giving up everything, including our own well-being or our ability to make decisions. It means loving in the deepest sense of the word."

- Paulo Coelho

you're both my stranger and my best friend

2009-09-09T05:46:00.000-07:00

it's not fair.

we weren't supposed to fall.

cut my heart out for a souvenir

2009-09-09T04:17:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish these things wont fly.

the distance is killing me

2009-09-09T03:48:00.000-07:00

maybe tomorrow it wont hurt as much

so if i take a chance

2009-09-09T00:04:00.000-07:00

for you, a thousand times over.

immobilized

2009-09-08T05:47:00.000-07:00

coz no matter what i do

it's better with you

flying east

2009-09-08T05:41:00.000-07:00

"when we fall, we fly"
they didnt tell me that we fall back down to the ground again.

every day we spend apart...

2009-09-08T05:31:00.000-07:00

you're everywhere

2009-09-08T05:24:00.000-07:00

there's too much of you in me that i think everything around me is about you

it's you.

2009-09-08T04:33:00.000-07:00

i could tell who you are from this far.

look up

2009-09-08T04:30:00.000-07:00

mistletoes are overrated.

LAX

2009-09-08T00:42:00.000-07:00

i hate being alone at the departure area.

strangers.

2009-09-08T00:26:00.000-07:00

i've met a lot of people before...
and they always felt like strangers

there are billions of people in the world.
and there's one you.

no one ever said it would be this hard.

2009-09-08T00:15:00.001-07:00

do you think it's easier to just walk away?

Traffic

2009-09-07T08:43:00.001-07:00

we used to drive around and you would tell me how happy you are.
you used to say you'll never forget.

do you remember that?

lights camera action

2009-09-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

let's pretend that we're in a movie set.
and you're the one who needs me.

tops

2009-09-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

half of our lives we waste by thinking about what's gonna happen tomorrow.
it's wasted because we forget to live today.
but how can you live today if you dont have a reason for it?
and you worry about tomorrow.
because you want tomorrow to be the day you start living.

or maybe it's just me.
i want to be with him tomorrow.
even today.
even now.

outfield: you and i love the dodgers.

2009-09-07T01:49:00.001-07:00

i wont see you today
not even tomorrow.
so i'm not worried about bumping into you and not being ready for it.

i'm worried about seeing you again.
because i'm scared that it might not be the same.

it's not hard. it's painful.

emptiness

2009-09-07T01:33:00.000-07:00

every day.
every drop.
every puff.
every breath.
every bottle.

with you.

does it end?

2009-09-07T01:09:00.000-07:00

for some reason, the best of us prefer empty spaces.

what next?

2009-09-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

and then i begin to wish that everything was just a state of mind.

and then i could wake up one day and find you next to me.

and then i could assure myself right now
that everything's gonna go back to the way things were.

footprints

2009-09-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

i miss walking with you.

crash

2009-09-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

i have to live in the now.
not that i want to.
i just have a choice to sulk or to be happy.
and i'm taking the latter.

here comes the pacific sundown

2009-09-05T17:04:00.001-07:00

you always say that you never listen to anyone
but you listen to me.

but it doesnt stop the pain

2009-09-05T16:52:00.000-07:00

i write everytime i feel like crying
and you'll notice that i would write more everyday.

it would be so fine to see your face at my door

2009-09-05T16:46:00.000-07:00

if i could only spend this life out my way
i'd rather spend it being close to you

finding him

2009-08-10T23:09:00.001-07:00

i dont want to get over you.
i want to keep you.

black and white and colored.

2009-08-03T00:52:00.000-07:00

one day, you wake up

and you just know that you want to spend
the rest of your life with someone.

and when that day comes, it scares the shit out of you.

Waiting

2009-07-23T01:56:00.000-07:00

this is it. this is the time we havent spent together, taking its toll.
this is the because they cant know.
this is everything.

and this becomes the 3 weeks that we havent seen each other.
and it becomes every night of being wide awake.
and becomes a series of thoughts.
and then we are reduced to you and me, and nothing.

this is it.
this is fear taking over faith.

Where we started from

2009-07-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

There are those days when you want to give up and just erase everything.
Go back to square one, as though nothing happened.

That's today for me, and yesterday, and the day before that.

But when I think of how it all started,
and how it could have a future that's so ideal and perfect,
i jump right back up, tell myself it's okay.

And if it doesnt, then at the least i tried.
It's always going to be about the trying - and failing over and over.
But ultimately, at least at one point, i'll stop failing.
And then i know that everything was worth it.

Pitch Black Madness

2009-07-09T16:54:00.000-07:00

You get me on my best days and you make sense on my worst.

Too Soon

2009-07-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

I missed you today and the 21 years before i met you.
of course, i ripped that off. i was never a genius with words.

i wish we could have had this when we were older.
and when i could say that i can stand on my own two feet.
so that i could be with you. and keep you.

it might have happened too soon.
but it happened, still.
and that's all there is to it.

First Day of Backtracks

2009-07-08T17:22:00.000-07:00

Inbox. July 7th. "i always want to be next to you.
i wish it could be easy for me and you."

it always scares the shit out of me, thinking of the day i have to leave you.
but there are things that we have to do even if we dont want to do them.
to stay or go is not a choice, it's a predestined circumstance
- we chose to be together; that was the choice that we had to make.
and because we cant turn back, we have to figure it out.